Chapter Seven – When It’s Time to Step In — When It’s Time to Bow Out
There is a basic problem with couples who are still alive in their late 80s and 90s. One partner is usually in much worse shape than the other partner, because the two have aged at different rates or one partner was older to begin with. Because of this, one very old partner is left taking care of the other very old partner, and it soon begins to compromise the health of the partner who is in better shape, as was the case with Mary Green.
Mrs. Green insisted that she was capable of taking care of Mr. Green. When the kids asked if they could help, she invariably said, “Oh, no, I’m doing just fi ne.” In fact, when she was getting ready to move to our facility, she insisted on doing all the packing and moving. However, by the day of the move, she still hadn’t been able to do very much. She just wasn’t realistic about her abilities. She saw herself as a woman of 50, and she certainly would have been capable of a move when she was 50.
But by the time Mary and Jack chose to move to our facility, Mary was a woman of 80 with congestive heart failure. As she started to pack, she became exhausted. The movers called us in a panic, saying, “We got here and nothing’s been done. We scheduled for a half-day move, and it’s going to take us at least two days. What do we do?” I told the movers to go ahead and do whatever was necessary. Our facility paid the movers to do everything possible, and I called all of the family members and told them to get to the apartment as soon as possible and help.
In the end, the move was so difficult for Mary that she ended up in the hospital for several days. Had she been willing to let the children help, she probably would have been all right. Had they realized that they needed to step in—in spite of everything Mary told them—she wouldn’t have had to go to the hospital.
Sometimes as caregivers we have to go by what we see rather than by what the older person is telling us. When Mary went to the hospital a few weeks ago, the facility’s security guard went to check on Jack twice. Both times he told the guard he was fine and that he didn’t need any help. However, when the family got worried two days later, realizing that Jack really wasn’t capable of being alone for two days, they found him in terrible shape. “I’m fi ne, thank you,” often doesn’t mean that when a person is in his eighties, suffering from dementia, diabetes, and heart problems.
Often one partner has dementia or Alzheimer’s and the other doesn’t. Usually, from a health standpoint, it would be better to separate the two partners. Of course, if the two partners are being placed in separate facilities,
this can be very expensive. And usually they absolutely do not want to be separated, and the families don’t want to separate them either. It’s a no-win situation. If the two are left together, the one with the poor health, either
mental or physical, will end up compromising the health of the other. If they are separated, they will often be miserable, asking to be with their “better half.”
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