Chapter Three – Dealing With Guilt
Taking care of an aging parent or close relative (or letting another family member do it if you’re a would-be caregiver) is almost necessarily fraught with guilt. If it’s a daughter (or son) taking care of Mom or Dad, as it usually is, the child is dealing with a person who cared for her in the most intimate ways: changed her diapers, fed her, clothed her, took her to school and to lessons, spent every hour of every day caring for her. How is she ever to repay this kind of care? She probably can’t, and therein lies the guilt.
One of my closest friends is helping take care of a mother who has Alzheimer’s. She goes to her mother’s house every afternoon and spends large parts of her weekends with her mother. She feels she owes it to her mother because, in her words, “My mother would have died for me, or for my siblings or for my father.” I think at least part of her is going to die for her mother.
She isn’t just taking care of her mother right now. She also has two adolescent daughters who need lots of time from their mom. She gives them all the time they need. They are both involved in many after-school activities and excel at school. She also has a full-time job as a teacher, and according to her school district and her students, she’s one of the best. And, of course, there’s her husband. Her life is full to the brim, and she’s a perfectionist about every aspect of it.
I love her dearly, but I know she can’t do everything she has to do. No one could. She’s going to burst open, and it’s not going to be a pretty sight. She confided to me that she was on antidepressants and that they weren’t doing everything they used to do. How could they? One little pill can’t solve all of the problems of my friend’s life. In fact, depression and the subsequent need to take antidepressants happen to more than half of all caregivers. It almost goes with the territory. My friend told me she wants to live her life so that she doesn’t have any regrets. I told her that was impossible. We will all have regrets. We don’t have enough time or enough energy to live our lives without regrets.
I told my friend about my own mother and the wonderful care she gave her father at the end of his life. My mom also wanted to live her life without regrets. Her father’s dementia started when he was 80 and she was in her late 50s. He had an operation and his brain didn’t get enough oxygen. He was okay physically, but he was no longer able to take care of himself. Mom tried the best she could, but she became angry with herself and angry with him also. Taking care of him was ruining her life.
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